As it’s my last week of school this week, the next few posts are probably going to be full of nostalgia about random shit that happened during my schooldays (OK, it feels weird to be saying that. I can say the word ‘schooldays’ because I won’t be in school after next week. Oh God. I’m old).
Prepare to cringe. You have been warned.
This particular post is about boys. Or, more specifically, about the boys me and a certain couple of friends liked. Or didn’t like, as the case may be.
First up: Cute Blond Guy. I never found CBG overly attractive. However, two of my friends did. I would like to point out that when we were in Year 8 it was basically a crime if we didn’t like the same person, because that would mean that our hot-o-meter was off and that we liked (to use the technical phrase) Fugly Mingers.
Anyway, CBG was the object of our affections for two years (while he was in sixth form) and thus could be identified by the trail of small girls following him everywhere he went. The further up the line you were, the more you liked him. I was always last.
I’m fairly sure we terrified him, because, no matter how small and innocent we all looked, it must be the stuff of nightmares to be followed by disembodied giggling and the occasional high-pitched squawk when I got bored and pushed the most love-struck of our number out of a doorway in front of him, to see what would happen.
Next: The Holy Trinity. There were three of them, and they achieved an almost hallowed status in our thirteen-year-old minds. We were divided as to who was the best looking. Conversations on this topic would proceed thus:
Friend #1: Oh. My. God. Don’t look! It’s Hubert! Hubert Tomfoolery-Chutzpah!
Friend #2: Eww. He’s a fugly minger.
Friend #1: No he’s not! He has a six-pack! (Six-packs were very important to us back then. Actually, they’re still important now.).
Friend #2: I see your point. \He’s a fugly minger from the neck up. I would do him…
Friend #1: Me too!
Friend #2: …If he agreed to wear a paper bag over his head.
It would then dissolve into an argument about the conditions* under which we would have sex (figuratively speaking, of course: my friends had decided that if any of us had sex before we were twenty, we were all whores and would feel bad about ourselves later.)
*The condition normally decided upon was Boy X, while wearing a paper bag upon which the visage of Boy Y had been taped. Boy Z was just all-around hot.
This unrequited love/mild stalking had the bonus effect of awakening our poetic talents. Notes would be written in poetry about the attractiveness of The Holy Trinity, which culminated in a forty-six stanza poetic saga written by my friend, in which various members of THT fell in love with me. I didn’t ask her to, and unfortunately, I don’t have the poem any more, as I burned it after we had a mild falling out over the fact that she had written me a forty-six stanza poem which I was supposed to cherish forever.
Lastly, there was He Who Must Not Be Named. I am ashamed to admit that this one was entirely me, and it took me approximately three years to get over it. I had it bad. I try not to think too much about this particular period of my life, due to the desire I get to set myself on fire with shame whenever I do.
I think our attitude to boys is best summed up with this set of emails (copied and pasted word-for-word, except where names have been changed) (notes added retrospectively in blue):
From: Possessed Cat
why didi you only give Him a 4????? (I needed confirmation that my hot-o-meter wasn’t on the blink)
HAHA!!! becuase I don’t fancy him. like you dont like cute blond guy do you and to meh that is a major offence. (Yes. We did talk like this.)
What do yuo give CBG just out of interest?
Plus I will raise “WHO HE MUST NOT BE NAMED” to a 5.7. ok????
btw sorry for doing my own Rwanda thing but that was when we weren’t on good terms and I thought you wouldn’t let meh use yours plus I was kinda p***ed off with you so I thought that I would do it all myself so I did my own the night before I had to hand it in. Anyway it paid off because I got a higher mark than you!!!!! (I left this in because we were so gratuitously cruel to each other and because I would have been truly upset by this snub. And because our grammar was so bad.)
SORRY!!!! I LOVE YOU REALLY PC (IN A NON_SEXUAL WAY) (Are we clear on that point? In a NON_SEXUAL WAY.)
fine. we will agree to differ and i will give CBG a…7
SEE! im nicer about the people u like. (Oh God. The subtle tactics I used were the height of sophistication.)
anyway, i personally think that He is much cuter than CBG – but i fancy him so im biased.
and i think that we’re cool about the rwanda thing. just please don’t gloat.
i love you as well – in a totally non-sexual way (of course!!) XD (Again, are we COMPLETELY CLEAR THAT WE DIDN’T LOVE EACH OTHER IN A SEXUAL WAY????)
I am so not totally gloating about the Rwanda thing I was just saying. (She so totally was, but we won’t go there. Suffice to say, all of our PSHCE classes that were about genocide turned into an argument, some of which involved teachers.)
YOU GAVE CBG A F***ING SEVEN HE IS WAY CUTER THAN Him AS YOU CALL HIM!!!!! no offence BUT PC HOW CAN YOU NOT THINK CBG IS CUTE!!!!!!!!!!! Him IS OK BUT I THINK CBG IS WAY CUTER AND I DON’T EVEN LIKE HIM AS MUCH ANYMORE. (This was a fairly mild rant.)
not that I’m dissing you. I you like Him then good for you. I’m not saying he’s a fugly minger (The Magic Words. No, seriously, that was the worst thing any of us could say about someone’s crush. If someone said it, we were automatically Not Friends for at least two hours.) because he isn’t. I just don’ find him attractive thats all, but if you do thats totally fine by me and you have the blessing of your best friend 🙂 (That was all I wanted. My co-dependence shames me.)
i know, but i still think that *him* is cuter than CBG. no offence.
YOU GAVE *Him* A F***ING 5.7 HE IS WAY CUTER THAN CBG AS YOU CALL HIM!!!!! no offence BUT RUDOLPHA HOW CAN YOU NOT THINK *Him* IS CUTE!!!!!!!!!!! CBG IS OK BUT I THINK *Him* IS WAY CUTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
not that I’m dissing you. I you like CBG then good for you. I’m not saying he’s a fugly minger because he isn’t. I just don’ find him attractive thats all, but if you do thats totally fine by me and you have the blessing of your best friend 🙂 (I was an irritating smartass who knew exactly what buttons to push to get a more interesting response than ‘he’s OK’.)
YEAH BUT PC EVEN LETTICE THINKS HES A MINGER. no offence (And the gloves are off!)
and SO TOTALLY STOP COPYING BECUASE IF YOU DO IT MUST MEAN YOU HAVEN’T GOT ANYTHING CATCHY TO SAY
ADMIT IT THOUGH HUBERT AND MONTGOMERY ARE FUCKING HOT CUTE. THEY ARE WELL BETTER THAN Him. PLEASE ADMIT IT. (My friend would only permit herself to swear when talking about The Holy Trinity.)
HUBERT AND MONTGOMERY ARE FUCKING AMAZINGLY HOT (This was basically the theme for 90% of our emails)
hubert and montgomery are really hot, but that doesn’t mean i fancy them.
i don’t care if you think hes a minger and i dont care if lettice thinks hes a minger. (Actually, I really, really did. I just liked to tell myself I didn’t.)
you promise not to laugh?
*o_o* (blushing) (I had no concept of easy-to-read smileys)
PC, PC. PC.
What have I told you. I’m so totally not taking the piss.
I’m happy for you!! (Yeah. She was so totally taking the piss.)
There were many more emails like this, but I deleted any that mentioned his name, in order to keep it a complete secret. I literally would not let anyone say his name in my presence, for fear that somehow, everyone in the school would suddenly know I liked him and would laugh at me mercilessly.