It’s important to have a best friend. I have a best friend who is one of the smartest, loveliest, most amazing people I know.
She is also a complete disaster zone and, as a pair, we are a nightmare.
She once tried to call someone a ‘despotic little midget’, only everyone misheard it and we still haven’t let go of the fact that it sounded like she called someone a ‘spotty little midget’. To their face. Luckily, we are good friends with said person, and said person is of a forgiving nature.
Over the course of a conversation, she managed to fall off a chair three times, hit her head on the wall and make the decision just to stay on the floor because she wouldn’t be able to hurt herself there. Then, when she tried to stand up, she fell over. Into the wall.
‘Is that a fire exit or a shop called Fire Exit?’
She once kicked me so hard that she drew blood, but I forgave her because she laughed the least out of all my friends when I managed to walk into the metal fire bucket (brim-full of sand) and knock it over with both legs at the same time. I still have a dent in my shin from that one.
She once screamed her head off because I threw a tomato stalk at her face and told her it was a spider.
She once wrote out a contract for me to sign stating that my arse was the size of the universe and that I wouldn’t get on any buses in case I squashed everyone. I’m going to ignore the fact that I refused to speak to her for six months afterwards and she didn’t even notice, because that makes me look bad.
She didn’t tell anyone when I somehow managed to shave off half of my eyebrow (DON’T EVEN ASK) and drew it back on with black biro.
She and I spent an entire lunch period sitting in a classroom by ourselves, laughing hysterically about nothing at all. We laughed so much that people who walked into the room walked straight back out again.
She loves my cats, even though she is completely allergic to them.
We still disagree over whose dogs are more awesome (mine are).
She stuck with me all the way through my panic attacks.
To my best friend, I say this: Je ne sais pas. Je suis un poisson.