Beware of these three people

Three people walk into a bar. Only it’s not a bar, it’s a house party, and the three people who walk in are the three people you should never trust at a house party.

1. The Drinker.

The drinker drinks. That’s all you can say about him. At parties, he will be sitting alone in the corner with a cup of whatever’s the strongest on offer. The bottle of whatever’s the strongest on offer won’t be far away. The only way The Drinker can be persuaded to interact is if you tempt him with a drinking game. Be warned, however: you take your life in your hands if you do. Let’s say, for example, that the game is Waterfall and everyone else is either moderating their alcohol intake by sipping slowly or not drinking alcohol at all. The drinker will down his cup of neat Peach Schnapps in one go, pull a face, say ‘Yuck’ and head straight back to the drinks table for some more. When asked why he’s drinking something that’s clearly revolting, he’ll say it’s because it’s alcohol.

The Drinker will never be the one to clean up the messes he leaves on the bathroom floor, and he will never apologise for making the Birthday Boy supervise him for two hours to make sure his head doesn’t point anywhere other than the toilet.

2. The Spiker.

The Spiker will get mildly tipsy, wait until everyone else is moderately drunk, and start offering to get people drinks. The Spiker will fetch you your vodka and coke, no problem. The Spiker will happily tell you it’s two fingers of vodka topped up with half a pint of coke. Oh, whoops…sorry. Now you’re passed out on the floor. Must have got the vodka and coke mixed up…

3. The Desperate.

The Desperate will wait until you are drunk enough to be feeling happy. He will engage you in conversation of a cheerful sort, while edging closer to you on the sofa. He will slip his arm around you. He’ll move closer. And a bit closer. A bit more…there. Now you have to make out with him. If he’s lucky, he’ll have two girls to sit with, both of them vying for his attention because they’re too drunk to remember that this guy has no social skills beyond ‘I am lovely to talk to when we’re both drunk’.

I wouldn’t normally have done one of these, but I felt like writing a post. OK, that’s a lie. I felt like not doing revision. I have met all three of these types. Luckily, I have never fallen prey to any of them, although The Desperate had a pretty good go once.

PS. In my social circle, The Drinker has been voted Most Likely To Die During Fresher’s Week.

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