Vaginal alarm clocks can lead to a career in writing

I was trawling through the internet this morning when I stumbled across a certain product that stopped me dead in my tracks.

A vagina alarm clock.

No, seriously; it’s an alarm clock that wakes you up by giving you an orgasm.

Needless to say, I texted my friend about it, and it was there that the idea for the world’s greatest fanfiction arose.

It’s going to be called Fifty Shades of Buzz.

Here’s the plot:

A simple genetic mutation meant that Buzz Clockyear was not supposed to exist. He was definitely not supposed to fall for Vagina Opening. Buzz was born after a one night stand between Orgasma Vibrata and Alarmus Clock that resulted in the tragically deformed son who tried to be two things at once. Alas, he broke under the strain of trying to follow both his parents, his ‘sensual polyurethane structure’ unable to cope with the relentless need of Vagina Opening.

There will be spinoffs, of course. Buzz Clockyear: To Infinity and Beyond (in time for you to go to work). Buzzclocks: ‘Ever Fallen In Love with Someone (You Didn’t Have Time For). And of course, the one about Buzz’s evil brother; Buzz Clockington: Ruining Your Orgasm by Telling you it’s Time to Get Up.

Here’s our conversation on the publishing of this book:

Her: We must never tell our boyfriends of this.

Me: Never. We could publish it and secretly get rich and just pretend that we were prostitutes or sold our boobs. Or something.

Her: I have no boobs to sell. Dammit.

Me: It’s OK; it won’t come to that because we’ll be rich anyway because of Buzz Clockyear. He can do good things even when he’s not in your pants. But we can patent the boob-selling idea anyway as backup.

Did you know that they recommend this product for use on long journeys? I can only imagine that they mean plane journeys, because I can’t imagine anyone being able to drive a car while having an orgasm and obviously it’s the done thing to entertain other aircraft passengers by having multiple orgasms while your alarm clock goes off every 30 seconds.

I can just see the conversations you could have with this woman:

Air hostess: Would you like some coffee?

Woman: Oooohh yeah…

Passenger: Visiting family?

Woman: Ooooohh yeah…

Air Hostess: We’ve landed; you need to get off the plane now.

Woman: I’M COMING!


Also, I’m sorry for not posting over the last few days, but I was away (lame excuse) and had no access to the internet.

Also, I don’t think this post needs a BJ. The vaginal alarm clock is BJ enough…