From ‘I’m sorry’ to ‘I’m not sorry’ to ‘I’m sorry I’m not sorry’ in five hundred words.*

I’ve been AFK for the last few weeks…OK, nearly a month and I’m sorry! My laptop self-destructed and I had to wait until Christmas for my new one. And then I was lazy and decided I wasn’t going to post anything until I had something meaningful to post.

So here’s my ‘meaningful’ post (approximately attempt 6). I’ve started, and promptly discarded, several posts over the last month because I’m struggling with the concept of what this blog is. It’s about two and a half years old now, which is hands down the longest time I’ve ever kept a blog going, but I finally got around to looking at my 2014 Year in Blogging and I only published 26 posts last year. Which is almost nothing, only slightly over two posts a month.

So then I sat down and had a good think about why I’ve only managed 26 posts in a year. It’s not through lack of inspiration; plenty of times I’ve been in the shower and thought ‘hmm, I could really write a blog post about that’ (not about being in the shower, obviously, although I could if demand was high enough). And then I’ve promptly forgotten about it and the post never gets started.

Nine out of ten posts I start don’t get finished. They barely make it beyond a paragraph. I can churn out a good eight hundred words in an hour, cut it to shreds and then delete the whole thing because I’m frustrated that I don’t know where this is going.

I feel like many of the bloggers I follow have a direction or a theme. There’s literature, art, fashion, exercise, humour, news, politics, food. And then there’s my blog, with bits of everything and no specific focus (except on myself because that’s pretty much what my blog is about: me).

So now I’ve decided that I don’t need to worry about what topics I post about. I’m interested in just about everything the world wants to throw at me, and this blog can be a reflection of that. No more deleting posts because I’m worried they don’t send a 100% perfect image of my life: I am human and real and if I want to follow up a post about the darkest side of my anxiety with a post about someone I saw on campus wearing a red ballgown, leopard print Uggs and a gold puffy coat then I will. No apologies. I’ve been told I apologise too much. Which I apologise for, and then get told off for apologising for apologising.

So this blog can be the place I never have to say sorry for who I am. Except that a large part of my personality is apologetic, which doesn’t really fit the whole ‘never apologise’ thing, but I’m going to take a stand right now and refuse to apologise for being the kind of person who apologises for apologising.

I apologise. That was probably very difficult to follow. But tough. I’m going to be me. The real me. Even if I’m not entirely sure who the real me is. Are any of us sure who we are?

*Actually, I’m not sorry for being not sorry. Sorry. The word ‘sorry’ is starting to look strange. Sorry. Sorrysorrysorrysorrysorry…

I’m going to stop now.

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