I wonder what would have happened if I’d never developed panic disorder? Would my social life have been better because I was able to go out and meet friends by myself? Would I have more money, being able to find a job sooner? Would I have done better in my exams, when I could concentrate on schoolwork and revision rather than the constant dread? Would I be more confident about my own abilities to perform well and would I have decided on what I want to do with my life sooner?
In some ways, I’m glad I have panic disorder. No. ‘Glad’s’ the wrong word. I am ambiguous towards the disorder, rather than outright hating it. Without panic disorder, I never would have locked myself away in my room and surfed the net. I never would have discovered blogs. I never would have started a blog to pour out all the feelings I can’t tell other people. I never wold have acted on my love of horses. I might have become an actress, like I wanted to. I might have gone much further in terms of musical performances.
I can run through all the ‘what ifs?’ a million times. Believe me, ‘what ifs?’ make up a huge part of my life. Panic disorder is all about ‘what ifs?’. But the truth is, I am who I am. I may rage against myself and cry and scream ‘Why me? Why can’t I be normal?’ but in the end, I’ll just be being a bit pathetic (and making myself look like a troll…I am not an attractive crier) because if I was normal I never would have found the confidence to live my life despite my problems.
For those of you who haven’t noticed (or skipped to the end to avoid my appalling writing) I’m in a very philosophical mood today. Something to do with the latest post on My Other Blog (yes, that was some shameless advertising) which you should go and read. So I actually get some views on there
Maybe if I write in italics, it will have that hypnosis effect where people go into a trance and mumble ‘I will follow’ while clicking blindly on the ‘follow’ button.
Two things have just popped into my head. One; if people do respond to my hypno-talics, I will be the leader of a zombie army.
And secondly, the word ‘follow’ is an odd word. It sounds like some medieval word for cow muck. Something farmer-like and earthy, anyway.
I should probably stop now.
P.S. My English teacher would probably murder me if she found out that I was outlining a debate in my title and then not providing an answer. So, for your sake, Mrs L, I would like to think of this post as deep and meaningful, but due to an author’s complete inability to self-evaluate, I’m going to have to say it’s the ramblings of the nearly insane.