Introducing the Sibling Skirmishes

My brother and I have an ongoing rivalry, mostly due to the fact that he is a little twerp. Our parents were initially concerned by our antipathy toward one another but have now come to accept it and spend most of their time laughing at us.

A few years ago, it looked like my brother had won the battle when it transpired that I was the result of my uncle giving a bottle of whisky to my parents at a party. My brother seized on this and gleefully declared that I was an unwanted accident.

Well, sucks to him, because our mother has just informed me of the events that transpired shortly after his birth. Namely, the incident in which she made the nurses take him back. Skimming over the fact that it was because he was too heavy to actually be held (11lb 14oz; a jibe which really winds him up is telling him that he was an obese baby), I now have a fresh clip of ammunition with which to defend myself in the Sibling Skirmishes.

Of course, I already knew what a problem he was going to be from the moment he was born. I was placed with my grandparents for the night, and, upon his birth, my mother wanted me to be the first person to know about him (and that he was a ‘him’; it was a surprise). In a stroke of perceptive genius, my five-year-old self refused to come to the phone and demanded that I be told nothing about the baby because I didn’t want an addition to the family, I was quite happy in my role as an only child and a new baby would only be trouble.

Clearly, ignoring the wishes of your furious five-year old is a mistake, as I have been reminded every day, right up until this morning, when The Addition To Our Family decided to wake me up by throwing paper balls at me, and then spent his day spraying me with a spray bottle and aiming the dog’s rear end at me (anyone, anywhere who has owned a Boxer will immediately understand what I am talking about and will probably wrinkle their nose in an unconscious gesture of sympathy).

Of course, I’m consoling myself with the fact that he’s been the most difficult out of the two of us. Anxiety problems aside, I have rarely been in trouble at school, I have never required orthodontic help and I eat and enjoy all vegetables.


This is the internet. Go on, start an argument.

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