I actually like September. Why, then, is it such a difficult month?

On average, 1.5% of people in the UK suffer from Panic Disorder. This is roughly the same amount as in the US, and world prevalence rates are similar. This means that approximately 1.07 million people in the world have Panic Disorder.

I would like to apologise for my absence for the past month. September is the worst month for me, emotionally speaking. I get back from a fairly carefree holiday and have to jump right into responsibility. This means I’m running on autopilot until I can find the motivation to snap out of it. In this case, even though I no longer have school, I have started a new job. While I am actually enjoying it a lot (despite the fact that it’s only waitressing) the days are too long for me to have much energy by the end of them. In addition, I still have to sort out university applications. Although I’m really looking forward to university in principle, the fear of rejection (because, let’s face it, that’s exactly what it is. ‘Not having enough time to sit down and write personal statements’ has nothing to do with it) is currently blocking the way to my Can-Do Attitude Store.

Anyway, I have finally found the willpower to try living life a little bit again. And actually, September has been a good month. I got my car insurance (finally!) and have been able to drive to work without much of a problem. I got featured on SmartBitches. I got invited to shoot for my county, and am being lent a rifle by one of the GB team members. That one made me smile for a good few hours. I backed a horse all by myself.

On the downside, I have done nothing for university besides mind map my first ideas for a Personal Statement. I am back to my old, accidentally-on-purpose oversleeping routine. This is because I am feeling a little panicky all the time at the moment and it helps if I feel a little bit rushed so I can concentrate on something else besides fear. I am also having trouble sleeping. This isn’t me having trouble going to sleep. This is me being plagued by nightmares all night before waking up at 6am in the middle of a panic attack, then falling asleep again and losing half the day in the process.

The worst thing about feeling like this is that it feels like I’ll never snap out of it. I know what happens if I don’t snap out of it. It means another five-year spell of panic attacks and generally being a useless human being. On the other hand, I am now armed with the knowledge that it gets better and I will be able to go places and visit my friends and not lie in a heap on my bedroom floor all day because I simply don’t have the energy to get up.

Is this depression?

In reference to my earlier estimate about the number of people worldwide who have panic disorder; there are over a million people worldwide who feel like I do, at least at times. And some of them must behave like I do, and surf the internet for days to distract themselves. So it would be wonderful if any of you who might be reading this, or who might stumble across this blog would like to say ‘hi’. It always helps if you’re feeling a little bit scared to know that others are in the same boat. Also, to anyone who gets panic attacks and doesn’t know why; it gets better.  Someone will help you. In my case, it was my nurse at the Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services. That’s not to say that there weren’t others that tried to help me; it’s that she knew exactly how to help.

I’m going to go now, before I start rambling. I will update you in more detail on my life in a few days. Or maybe not, I can’t tell right now. All I know is that I’m feeling a little more optimistic.