My dog possesses superpowers

Very occasionally, my pets like to think they can do things they shouldn’t. One of my cats, when he isn’t pretending to be Linda Blair, likes to perform tricks. So far, I’ve taught him ‘sit’, ‘lie down’ and ‘up’ and we’e working on ‘high-five’ (he hasn’t entirely grasped the concept of lifting his paw off the ground without assistance). On a side note, the expression on his face whenever he does a trick is priceless. It’s sort of ‘OMG DID YOU SEE WHAT I DID?!?!’ combined with pure, feline happiness and a dash of smugness.

My dog, on the other hand, thinks that simple tricks like ‘sit’, ‘high-five’ and ‘Duck-Duck-Goose’ are for babies. She will perform them quite happily, but she saves up her best tricks for when no one’s around.

I’m semi-convinced that she’s a shapeshifter posing as a dog, because she shouldn’t be able to rearrange the house without opposable thumbs. The last time we left her home alone, she put into action her plan to rectify the tragic issue of the distance between the cat food and her bed. [CONTEXT: If not all of the cats are in for supper, I will leave some of the bowls on the side, covered with a larger bowl.] When we went out, there were three full bowls of cat food onthe side. When we got home, the large bowl was in her bed and three empty bowls were in the living room. She didn’t just tip them onto the floor and eat the food. No, she carried them through three rooms without spilling a drop. They were all the right way up, and not damaged in any way. I’m fairly certain she brought the big bowl just for the lulz.

Her supercanine abilities don’t end there. She has eaten an entire chocolate cake with chocolate icing and not thrown up. She has eaten fruit cake. SHe has eaten clingfilm.

She has dragged an unopened 4kg sack of sugar (a paper sack) from the utility room into the lounge and opened it on the rug, without spilling any en route. She ate the paper sack and left the sugar for me to have fun hoovering up (actually, a very satisfying job (why can’t all floors be covered in sugar mountains (maybe then I’d do some chores))).

Anyway, enough of the escapades of my pets; I have a new internet addiction! Klout calculates my social networking power! My score is pretty pathetic at the moment and keeps dropping. On the other hand, I was sneaky and asked an open question on Facebook so people would interact with me. HA! Take that, Klout!

Clearly, I am pathetic.

Also, in an extra note; I looked at what searches are leading people to this blog (it takes work to maintain high standards of Pathetic) and it turns out that the majority of them are searching somewhere along the lines of ‘alarm cock* porn’.

Really? I’m not even sure what they wanted to see in the first place.

Alarmingly large penises?

Penises with smoke detectors?

Porn where every participant looks permanently startled?

Anyway, I have now run out of things to say, and I’m completely exhausted because, since getting my laptop back, I have had no self control and have been getting six hours sleep a night and I can’t function without at least eight and a half. This is why this post is rambling and unfunny (only joking – I’m always rambling and unfunny). Also, I can’t think of a way to end this post. Maybe I’m doomed to sit here and type forever because I can’t finish the post. That would be horrible. I’d end up falling asleep on the keyboard and the rest of the post would be random strings of gibberish, which would probably be better than what I’m writing now, so I’m going to stop here.


*Not actually a typo


This is the internet. Go on, start an argument.

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