GET YOUR FREE ALARM C(L)OCK PORN HERE!

Here are two statements:

‘I am the Queen of Procrastination’.

‘My A Levels start tomorrow’.

So far this evening I have read the back of all the deodorant and shampoo bottles in the bathroom (they all contain the same ingredients), taught my cat to sit on command, shown my dogs magic tricks and looked at my stats.

It is somewhat disturbing to realise that the only visitor I have had today was directed to my blog by searching ‘alarm clock porn’. Did I just create an example of Rule 34?

I am now stuck on things to write about, and all I can remember is that I had an idea for a blog post last night. Something to do with deodorant…

Either way, I will fill you in on my life between Christmas and now:

After my cousin puked in 75% of the rooms in my late grandmothers house (I actually did the maths there), I went to France with my family and drank champagne and ate spicy, spicy food and then I came home and my new horse improved on his record of being the most batshit crazy by breaking out of every field I’ve ever put him in and throwing himself in the pond. My car was stripped out after being used as a portable bathtub and my friends and I have decided to visit the Icelandic Phallological Museum, because we can.

I would put something short and succinct, such as ‘MLIA’ here, but I’ve found myself wanting to punch anyone who uses that acronym, and I’d rather not have a black eye.

For Christmas, I received a Horologicon, which contains a selection of rare words. I will no longer be hungover, I will be philogrobolised. I will no longer begin to fall, I will labascate. And I will no longer drink tea. I will drink bitch.

And with that, I am off to have an imaginary bitch party with a gang of bitch-smugglers and pour bitch out of a bitch-pot and drink bitch out of bitch-cups.

Bitch out.

 

P.S. A shout out to Silk Road Collector for being the first person to follow me! Thank you!!

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