Here’s an apology with long words and a list of things you shouldn’t do in France

I apologise for my protracted absence; I was on holiday, sojourning in the mountains of central southern France and had no internet access.

While I was there, I wrote a few blog posts (most of them are miserable because I got my A Level results and wasn’t happy with them, so I’m sifting through them to find the happy ones. I’m not having much luck.

Here’s one on certain things you should learn when on holiday in the French mountains:

I learn things when I’m in France. For example, this holiday I have learned that you should always, always double-check the lock on French service station toilet doors. Especially if the men’s bathroom is being cleaned and all the men are using the girls’ bathroom.

I have also learned that it is not a good idea to decide to sleep outside on the only night when there are clouds in the sky. Never mind that your neighbours slept outside last night; remember, this is a French mountainside and the weather is fickle.

Also, just because there is wild boar in the woods beneath the house, does not mean that the grunting you heard in the night actually was a wild boar. It was probably a…cow. Or a dog. Definitely Almost certainly not a boar.

And when you are woken up by rain, don’t stop to wake your brother up. He won’t want to wake up and you will end up with a soaking wet pillow that you have to sleep on.

And no matter how bored you are, it is not a good idea to start playing solitaire on your laptop. You will play 220 games in 2 days and you will only win 20 of them. This is not good for your self-esteem, but it becomes a bit more of a problem when you start seeing solitaire patterns everywhere.

Also if you are bored, do not start watching ‘Allo ‘Allo. You will start narrating your life in René Artois’ voice, with the occasional “Now listen very carefully, I shall say zis enly wence”.

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