Tomorrow, I get on a bus to go to London to visit my boyfriend. It will be the first time I’ve undertaken a bus journey alone in more than three years, and the longest journey I’ve ever taken without my parents, teachers or friends holding my hand. My panic disorder is a million times better than it was, but I’m still terrified. I will have my boyfriend on the other end of the phone if I need it, but other than that, I’ll be doing the scariest thing I’ve done for a long time.
This will probably feel worse than trying to do the high ropes on camp (that also comes under the heading of Most Embarrassing Things To Happen To Me. Ever.*)
This will probably be worse than that time I freaked out and had a panic attack in the middle of a supermarket (also comes under the heading of Most Embarrassing Things To Happen To Me. Ever.)
But I’m doing it, and my boyfriend will be waiting at the coach station to meet me, and my Dad will be dropping me off and there will be people there. And I’ll feel scared, but it’ll be like that time when I had the HPV jabs and I convinced myself it wasn’t going to hurt. And it didn’t. It’s all about mind over matter.
And it’s only three hours.
Which doesn’t make me feel much better.
*I hate being physically attached to stuff. So when they clipped me on to the wire and told me to climb the tiny pole and stand on the little wooden square at the top (only thirty feet up…), I kinda freaked out and burst into tears and hyperventilated and swayed and said I couldn’t do it. And then I calmed down and spent the rest of the day feeling really embarrassed and not talking about it.