Mission Breakdown: The Invasion of the Insects

A harrowing firsthand account of the Invasion of the Insects.

01:54am – got into bed and switched the light off. Have been immediately swarmed by insects attempting to rape my laptop screen.

01:55am – have given up on practicing my conducting. Reached for the bug repellent.

01:56am – have realised the can has been mislabeled; it should read ‘Handsfree Human Choking Device’. Bugs unconcerned by attack, continuing to molest both me and my laptop.

01:58am – SUCCESS! Have set up fan that blows straight across my laptop. Insects unable to bear onslaught.

02:00am – FAILURE. Insects have modified their strategy accordingly. They are now attacking from below. Fan unable to reach them and they can now get to me.

02:04am – noise of fan getting a bit wearing.

02:05am – mentally composing letter to fan manufacturers to ask them to invent silent fans.

02:07am – have abandoned letter. Would be better to write one to bug repellent manufacturers asking them not to mix up the cans of bug repellent and Handsfree Human Choking Device.

02:12am – hugging fan while it blows away all insects.

02:16am – cracking open a bottle of champagne to celebrate the successful defeat of the Insect Invasion.

02:17am – tearfully toasting my new best friend’s ability to protect me from insects.

02:18am – tearfully lamenting my cat’s dislike of my new best friend. DON’T BE FANNIST, MAC.

02:20am – going to sleep curled up with my new best friend.

02:21am – have realised I cannot go to sleep with my new best friend continually humming in my ear.

02:23am – also, I didn’t realise I’d picked such an uncomfortable cuddle partner.

02:24am – only one option open to me now. I must turn the lights off and go to sleep while abandoning best friend.


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