A harrowing firsthand account of the Invasion of the Insects.
01:54am – got into bed and switched the light off. Have been immediately swarmed by insects attempting to rape my laptop screen.
01:55am – have given up on practicing my conducting. Reached for the bug repellent.
01:56am – have realised the can has been mislabeled; it should read ‘Handsfree Human Choking Device’. Bugs unconcerned by attack, continuing to molest both me and my laptop.
01:58am – SUCCESS! Have set up fan that blows straight across my laptop. Insects unable to bear onslaught.
02:00am – FAILURE. Insects have modified their strategy accordingly. They are now attacking from below. Fan unable to reach them and they can now get to me.
02:04am – noise of fan getting a bit wearing.
02:05am – mentally composing letter to fan manufacturers to ask them to invent silent fans.
02:07am – have abandoned letter. Would be better to write one to bug repellent manufacturers asking them not to mix up the cans of bug repellent and Handsfree Human Choking Device.
02:12am – hugging fan while it blows away all insects.
02:16am – cracking open a bottle of champagne to celebrate the successful defeat of the Insect Invasion.
02:17am – tearfully toasting my new best friend’s ability to protect me from insects.
02:18am – tearfully lamenting my cat’s dislike of my new best friend. DON’T BE FANNIST, MAC.
02:20am – going to sleep curled up with my new best friend.
02:21am – have realised I cannot go to sleep with my new best friend continually humming in my ear.
02:23am – also, I didn’t realise I’d picked such an uncomfortable cuddle partner.
02:24am – only one option open to me now. I must turn the lights off and go to sleep while abandoning best friend.