If the worst comes to the worst, I can always sell my virginity.

I am currently curled up in my bed putting off tidying my room.

I am supposed to be clearing it out so I can make space for the redecoration that should shortly take place, carried out by yours truly. I’ve done some of it. I took out my bookshelf after it gave up the ghost and collapsed last week. Unfortunately, this now means that my floor is covered in books.


Seriously. This is what my bedroom floor looks like.

Also, yes I do have a yellow-on-yellow- colour scheme going on. When my mum left the military and I was told I could paint my room whatever colour I wanted (having lived with magnolia walls and dust-brown carpets for 13 years) I went a tiny bit berserk and painted everything yellow. And had a yellow carpet. I stopped short with yellow bedspreads and curtains, but only because I couldn’t afford to buy new ones.

Anyway, I have now found a dark pink/red carpet in the barn, which I will be putting into my room shortly. I still don’t know if it will fit, or what colours I’m going to add to it, but it will be interesting. And awesome. The one thing I’ll do before the wonderful shade of buttercup on my walls gets painted over is practice being an artist on them. I still haven’t taken advantage of my parents decision to let me do whatever the hell I want to my walls.

Anyway, I also need to find out how I’m going to pay for all of this. I have a job, but I really don’t earn that much from it, so I’ really hoping that this blog suddenly becomes famous, or my brother has actually won the Euromillions lottery, or I discover a gold mine in my back garden, or the last owner of the house left a crate of jewels under my floorboards, or my dogs start doing tricks and earn lots of money. Or something.

Or I could just carry on with my current plan of a roadside stall. That seems to work round here. Or I could clear out the barn and turn it into a pub (the needs of our village are currently not being met. At all.).

On the other hand, a friend of mine did once work out that I could earn £2500 by being a high-class prostitute for 13 hours. Now all I have to do is persuade my boyfriend to pay me…win-win situation.

I have been reminded of a blog post from one of my previous blogs where I was trying to figure out how to make money. I’ll post it here for you:

1. Sell your virginity.

Obviously, if you don’t have a virginity, you are ruled out of this one, but never mind! You can always sell someone else’s (anyone read Memoirs of a Geisha?).
2. Kidnap someone.
If the person who’s virginity you’re trying to sell does not want to sell it, don’t be put off! You can hold them to ransom instead!
3. Have a cake sale.
This was suggested by a friend (she has used it to great effect when saving up for a trip to India). Unfortunately, cake sales do not raise very much (unless the cakes are huge) and ‘I’m selling these cakes to pay for my obsession with horses’ doesn’t have quite the same ring as ‘I’m selling these cakes to raise money for my trip to India with the Church to help the poverty stricken orphans’.
4. Set up a puppy mill.
Do you have a dog that’s not paying its rent? Sell a few litters of puppies and it will more than have paid for itself!
5. Prostitution.
The problem with selling your virginity is that once it’s gone, it’s gone, and unless you’re a famous geisha, you probably aren’t going to be worth that much anyway. So, one of my friends used her incredible skillz (in mental maths) to work out that I could raise the money I need in approximately thirteen hours.
Sometimes I worry about what comes out of my brain.

This is the internet. Go on, start an argument.

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