Oh look, a hairless pussy

Holy fucking shit.

There is a massive spider on my bedroom floor.

I’m less concerned by the fact that there’s a massive spider in my room than the fact that it’s sitting on my favourite blanket. Seriously. This thing doesn’t even have the common decency to go and sit on something I don’t care about, like my schoolwork. Oh no. It’s on my favourite blanket.

********

It’s moved.

Deep breaths.

Don’t panic.

OH MY GOD THERE’S A MASSIVE FUCKING SPIDER ON MY BEDROOM FLOOR AND I’M 99% CERTAIN THAT IF I GRAB MY BLANKET THEN IT WILL FALL ON MY FACE. DON’T ASK ME HOW IT WILL FALL UPWARDS, IT’S A SPIDER AND CAN THEREFORE DO THINGS THE REST OF THE LIFE FORMS ON THIS PLANET CAN’T.

OK, panic over. There is a cat on my pillow. He’ll protect me.

Oh, wait, no he won’t. This is the cat that is such a wuss he has licked all his own fur off in a display of passive-aggressive OCD.

All I want is for my blanket not to have a massive fucking spider in it.Also, my jeans, several bags and a jacket are down there. I won’t be able to use anything until the spider’s gone. And those are my favourite jeans.

Thanks a lot, arachno-douche.

Also, I had you going with my title, didn’t I?

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